“Top Chef” Recap: Episode 4.10 “Serve and Protect”

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Lisa: Obviously there are people here who don’t deserve to be here. They are not that great of chefs and their personalities suck ass.

People in glass kitchens, lady.

As she says this she levels a stare at Dale.

Antonia, however, is staring at Lisa and all the high-end products like lobster and squid she is using in her salad. She decides, belatedly, that Lisa might be some competition after all.

Which one is the salad fork again? – Stephanie, in the last-second frenzy, doesn’t get her artichoke chip on her plate. But, too late now, here come the judges. How does everyone fare according to Sam?

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: I’m planning to make something that says let’s have sex after we eat this salad.

OK, fine, but I think a condom salad would be kind of chewy.

Please note that as he says this, Bravo shows us a corresponding clip of Spike quite literally beating his meat. Yeah, that was subtle.

Eyes on your own pan – Lisa, in the meantime, is sizing up her competition and says she sees a lot of salads that are simple and basic.

Lisa: Obviously there are people here who don’t deserve to be here. They are not that great of chefs and their personalities suck ass.

People in glass kitchens, lady.

As she says this she levels a stare at Dale.

Antonia, however, is staring at Lisa and all the high-end products like lobster and squid she is using in her salad. She decides, belatedly, that Lisa might be some competition after all.

Which one is the salad fork again? – Stephanie, in the last-second frenzy, doesn’t get her artichoke chip on her plate. But, too late now, here come the judges. How does everyone fare according to Sam?

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Antonia: Oh my God – tall, dark and handsome, and he can cook. Sign me up.

Oh honey, honey. Let the man at least cook you dinner first.

What kind of dressing do you want with that? – The Quickfire Challenge is to bring back a dish that Padma says has fallen on some hard times. I immediately envision a sad plate of food on the side of the road with a “Will work for food” sign. Though, now that I think about it, the sign should probably read “Will work to be dinner.”

So what is this poor, sad hobo dish? The humble salad. All the chefs seem to be in agreement that salads are a challenging and worthy dish. Gosh, am I the only one who remembered Carlos from Season 2 being kicked off for only making a salad?

The Quickfire Challenge is to bring the sexyback to salad. God, what part of culture has Justin Timberlake not invaded? We can’t even keep him out of our food anymore. If Padma had said they only had “Four Minutes” to save the salad, his total world domination would be complete. Luckily, the chefs get 45 minutes to save the salad.

Spike takes the challenge literally – too literally.

Spike: I’m planning to make something that says let’s have sex after we eat this salad.

OK, fine, but I think a condom salad would be kind of chewy.

Please note that as he says this, Bravo shows us a corresponding clip of Spike quite literally beating his meat. Yeah, that was subtle.

Eyes on your own pan – Lisa, in the meantime, is sizing up her competition and says she sees a lot of salads that are simple and basic.

Lisa: Obviously there are people here who don’t deserve to be here. They are not that great of chefs and their personalities suck ass.

People in glass kitchens, lady.

As she says this she levels a stare at Dale.

Antonia, however, is staring at Lisa and all the high-end products like lobster and squid she is using in her salad. She decides, belatedly, that Lisa might be some competition after all.

Which one is the salad fork again? – Stephanie, in the last-second frenzy, doesn’t get her artichoke chip on her plate. But, too late now, here come the judges. How does everyone fare according to Sam?

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Andrew: Everyone in the house is all beat down – except for me who is still all crazy. I woke up today with a f—ing fire inside my stomach. Like, either I am going to stab somebody or I’m going to make some amazing food.

Whew. Am I relieved he said “fire” instead of what else he could have woken up with in the morning. Cough, culinary boner, cough. Moving on. Quickly.

Hey, he looks familiar – Greeting the chefs in the Top Chef Kitchen is Padma – again rocking an off-the-shoulder ode to Jennifer Beals in Flashdance – and Top Chef Season 2 finalist Sam Talbot, today’s guest judge. As they strike a pose side by side, the pair looks like the Sid and Nancy of cooking.

Antonia is in instant lust.

Antonia: Oh my God – tall, dark and handsome, and he can cook. Sign me up.

Oh honey, honey. Let the man at least cook you dinner first.

What kind of dressing do you want with that? – The Quickfire Challenge is to bring back a dish that Padma says has fallen on some hard times. I immediately envision a sad plate of food on the side of the road with a “Will work for food” sign. Though, now that I think about it, the sign should probably read “Will work to be dinner.”

So what is this poor, sad hobo dish? The humble salad. All the chefs seem to be in agreement that salads are a challenging and worthy dish. Gosh, am I the only one who remembered Carlos from Season 2 being kicked off for only making a salad?

The Quickfire Challenge is to bring the sexyback to salad. God, what part of culture has Justin Timberlake not invaded? We can’t even keep him out of our food anymore. If Padma had said they only had “Four Minutes” to save the salad, his total world domination would be complete. Luckily, the chefs get 45 minutes to save the salad.

Spike takes the challenge literally – too literally.

Spike: I’m planning to make something that says let’s have sex after we eat this salad.

OK, fine, but I think a condom salad would be kind of chewy.

Please note that as he says this, Bravo shows us a corresponding clip of Spike quite literally beating his meat. Yeah, that was subtle.

Eyes on your own pan – Lisa, in the meantime, is sizing up her competition and says she sees a lot of salads that are simple and basic.

Lisa: Obviously there are people here who don’t deserve to be here. They are not that great of chefs and their personalities suck ass.

People in glass kitchens, lady.

As she says this she levels a stare at Dale.

Antonia, however, is staring at Lisa and all the high-end products like lobster and squid she is using in her salad. She decides, belatedly, that Lisa might be some competition after all.

Which one is the salad fork again? – Stephanie, in the last-second frenzy, doesn’t get her artichoke chip on her plate. But, too late now, here come the judges. How does everyone fare according to Sam?

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Spike: Dale is a little bitch. His “I’m not here to make friends” routine, why would you want to be the outcast and act like an asshole?

Um, takes one to know one?

Dale, in the meantime, doesn’t care that the rest of the house thinks he is an ass. He is focused on the task at hand. That task is apparently putting as much hair product on his head as humanly possible.

I swear, now that lesbo-hawk rocking chefbian Jennifer is out of the competition, the men in the house use more styling products than the women.

So, who comes along to buck the trend of tiredness and tension? Oh, come on, you know it’s Andrew.

Andrew: Everyone in the house is all beat down – except for me who is still all crazy. I woke up today with a f—ing fire inside my stomach. Like, either I am going to stab somebody or I’m going to make some amazing food.

Whew. Am I relieved he said “fire” instead of what else he could have woken up with in the morning. Cough, culinary boner, cough. Moving on. Quickly.

Hey, he looks familiar – Greeting the chefs in the Top Chef Kitchen is Padma – again rocking an off-the-shoulder ode to Jennifer Beals in Flashdance – and Top Chef Season 2 finalist Sam Talbot, today’s guest judge. As they strike a pose side by side, the pair looks like the Sid and Nancy of cooking.

Antonia is in instant lust.

Antonia: Oh my God – tall, dark and handsome, and he can cook. Sign me up.

Oh honey, honey. Let the man at least cook you dinner first.

What kind of dressing do you want with that? – The Quickfire Challenge is to bring back a dish that Padma says has fallen on some hard times. I immediately envision a sad plate of food on the side of the road with a “Will work for food” sign. Though, now that I think about it, the sign should probably read “Will work to be dinner.”

So what is this poor, sad hobo dish? The humble salad. All the chefs seem to be in agreement that salads are a challenging and worthy dish. Gosh, am I the only one who remembered Carlos from Season 2 being kicked off for only making a salad?

The Quickfire Challenge is to bring the sexyback to salad. God, what part of culture has Justin Timberlake not invaded? We can’t even keep him out of our food anymore. If Padma had said they only had “Four Minutes” to save the salad, his total world domination would be complete. Luckily, the chefs get 45 minutes to save the salad.

Spike takes the challenge literally – too literally.

Spike: I’m planning to make something that says let’s have sex after we eat this salad.

OK, fine, but I think a condom salad would be kind of chewy.

Please note that as he says this, Bravo shows us a corresponding clip of Spike quite literally beating his meat. Yeah, that was subtle.

Eyes on your own pan – Lisa, in the meantime, is sizing up her competition and says she sees a lot of salads that are simple and basic.

Lisa: Obviously there are people here who don’t deserve to be here. They are not that great of chefs and their personalities suck ass.

People in glass kitchens, lady.

As she says this she levels a stare at Dale.

Antonia, however, is staring at Lisa and all the high-end products like lobster and squid she is using in her salad. She decides, belatedly, that Lisa might be some competition after all.

Which one is the salad fork again? – Stephanie, in the last-second frenzy, doesn’t get her artichoke chip on her plate. But, too late now, here come the judges. How does everyone fare according to Sam?

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Stephanie: It’s really sad to see Nikki go down in flames. You know the stakes are high, and at this point the chefs lefts are at a really high level.

Everyone is still tired from being up 40-plus hours straight on the wedding-from-hell catering marathon. The boys’ egos, in particular, are still bruised. Despite the hug-out, Spike and Dale aren’t going to take advantage of California’s newly legalized same-sex marriage anytime soon.

Spike: Dale is a little bitch. His “I’m not here to make friends” routine, why would you want to be the outcast and act like an asshole?

Um, takes one to know one?

Dale, in the meantime, doesn’t care that the rest of the house thinks he is an ass. He is focused on the task at hand. That task is apparently putting as much hair product on his head as humanly possible.

I swear, now that lesbo-hawk rocking chefbian Jennifer is out of the competition, the men in the house use more styling products than the women.

So, who comes along to buck the trend of tiredness and tension? Oh, come on, you know it’s Andrew.

Andrew: Everyone in the house is all beat down – except for me who is still all crazy. I woke up today with a f—ing fire inside my stomach. Like, either I am going to stab somebody or I’m going to make some amazing food.

Whew. Am I relieved he said “fire” instead of what else he could have woken up with in the morning. Cough, culinary boner, cough. Moving on. Quickly.

Hey, he looks familiar – Greeting the chefs in the Top Chef Kitchen is Padma – again rocking an off-the-shoulder ode to Jennifer Beals in Flashdance – and Top Chef Season 2 finalist Sam Talbot, today’s guest judge. As they strike a pose side by side, the pair looks like the Sid and Nancy of cooking.

Antonia is in instant lust.

Antonia: Oh my God – tall, dark and handsome, and he can cook. Sign me up.

Oh honey, honey. Let the man at least cook you dinner first.

What kind of dressing do you want with that? – The Quickfire Challenge is to bring back a dish that Padma says has fallen on some hard times. I immediately envision a sad plate of food on the side of the road with a “Will work for food” sign. Though, now that I think about it, the sign should probably read “Will work to be dinner.”

So what is this poor, sad hobo dish? The humble salad. All the chefs seem to be in agreement that salads are a challenging and worthy dish. Gosh, am I the only one who remembered Carlos from Season 2 being kicked off for only making a salad?

The Quickfire Challenge is to bring the sexyback to salad. God, what part of culture has Justin Timberlake not invaded? We can’t even keep him out of our food anymore. If Padma had said they only had “Four Minutes” to save the salad, his total world domination would be complete. Luckily, the chefs get 45 minutes to save the salad.

Spike takes the challenge literally – too literally.

Spike: I’m planning to make something that says let’s have sex after we eat this salad.

OK, fine, but I think a condom salad would be kind of chewy.

Please note that as he says this, Bravo shows us a corresponding clip of Spike quite literally beating his meat. Yeah, that was subtle.

Eyes on your own pan – Lisa, in the meantime, is sizing up her competition and says she sees a lot of salads that are simple and basic.

Lisa: Obviously there are people here who don’t deserve to be here. They are not that great of chefs and their personalities suck ass.

People in glass kitchens, lady.

As she says this she levels a stare at Dale.

Antonia, however, is staring at Lisa and all the high-end products like lobster and squid she is using in her salad. She decides, belatedly, that Lisa might be some competition after all.

Which one is the salad fork again? – Stephanie, in the last-second frenzy, doesn’t get her artichoke chip on her plate. But, too late now, here come the judges. How does everyone fare according to Sam?

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Elimination: Bad cop, no doughnut. Padmaism: “Bring salad’s sexyback.”

Another one bites the dust – As the chefs prepare for the day’s challenges, Stephanie reflects on Nikki’s exit.

Stephanie: It’s really sad to see Nikki go down in flames. You know the stakes are high, and at this point the chefs lefts are at a really high level.

Everyone is still tired from being up 40-plus hours straight on the wedding-from-hell catering marathon. The boys’ egos, in particular, are still bruised. Despite the hug-out, Spike and Dale aren’t going to take advantage of California’s newly legalized same-sex marriage anytime soon.

Spike: Dale is a little bitch. His “I’m not here to make friends” routine, why would you want to be the outcast and act like an asshole?

Um, takes one to know one?

Dale, in the meantime, doesn’t care that the rest of the house thinks he is an ass. He is focused on the task at hand. That task is apparently putting as much hair product on his head as humanly possible.

I swear, now that lesbo-hawk rocking chefbian Jennifer is out of the competition, the men in the house use more styling products than the women.

So, who comes along to buck the trend of tiredness and tension? Oh, come on, you know it’s Andrew.

Andrew: Everyone in the house is all beat down – except for me who is still all crazy. I woke up today with a f—ing fire inside my stomach. Like, either I am going to stab somebody or I’m going to make some amazing food.

Whew. Am I relieved he said “fire” instead of what else he could have woken up with in the morning. Cough, culinary boner, cough. Moving on. Quickly.

Hey, he looks familiar – Greeting the chefs in the Top Chef Kitchen is Padma – again rocking an off-the-shoulder ode to Jennifer Beals in Flashdance – and Top Chef Season 2 finalist Sam Talbot, today’s guest judge. As they strike a pose side by side, the pair looks like the Sid and Nancy of cooking.

Antonia is in instant lust.

Antonia: Oh my God – tall, dark and handsome, and he can cook. Sign me up.

Oh honey, honey. Let the man at least cook you dinner first.

What kind of dressing do you want with that? – The Quickfire Challenge is to bring back a dish that Padma says has fallen on some hard times. I immediately envision a sad plate of food on the side of the road with a “Will work for food” sign. Though, now that I think about it, the sign should probably read “Will work to be dinner.”

So what is this poor, sad hobo dish? The humble salad. All the chefs seem to be in agreement that salads are a challenging and worthy dish. Gosh, am I the only one who remembered Carlos from Season 2 being kicked off for only making a salad?

The Quickfire Challenge is to bring the sexyback to salad. God, what part of culture has Justin Timberlake not invaded? We can’t even keep him out of our food anymore. If Padma had said they only had “Four Minutes” to save the salad, his total world domination would be complete. Luckily, the chefs get 45 minutes to save the salad.

Spike takes the challenge literally – too literally.

Spike: I’m planning to make something that says let’s have sex after we eat this salad.

OK, fine, but I think a condom salad would be kind of chewy.

Please note that as he says this, Bravo shows us a corresponding clip of Spike quite literally beating his meat. Yeah, that was subtle.

Eyes on your own pan – Lisa, in the meantime, is sizing up her competition and says she sees a lot of salads that are simple and basic.

Lisa: Obviously there are people here who don’t deserve to be here. They are not that great of chefs and their personalities suck ass.

People in glass kitchens, lady.

As she says this she levels a stare at Dale.

Antonia, however, is staring at Lisa and all the high-end products like lobster and squid she is using in her salad. She decides, belatedly, that Lisa might be some competition after all.

Which one is the salad fork again? – Stephanie, in the last-second frenzy, doesn’t get her artichoke chip on her plate. But, too late now, here come the judges. How does everyone fare according to Sam?

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!

Quickfire: The salad days of Top Chef.

Elimination: Bad cop, no doughnut. Padmaism: “Bring salad’s sexyback.”

Another one bites the dust – As the chefs prepare for the day’s challenges, Stephanie reflects on Nikki’s exit.

Stephanie: It’s really sad to see Nikki go down in flames. You know the stakes are high, and at this point the chefs lefts are at a really high level.

Everyone is still tired from being up 40-plus hours straight on the wedding-from-hell catering marathon. The boys’ egos, in particular, are still bruised. Despite the hug-out, Spike and Dale aren’t going to take advantage of California’s newly legalized same-sex marriage anytime soon.

Spike: Dale is a little bitch. His “I’m not here to make friends” routine, why would you want to be the outcast and act like an asshole?

Um, takes one to know one?

Dale, in the meantime, doesn’t care that the rest of the house thinks he is an ass. He is focused on the task at hand. That task is apparently putting as much hair product on his head as humanly possible.

I swear, now that lesbo-hawk rocking chefbian Jennifer is out of the competition, the men in the house use more styling products than the women.

So, who comes along to buck the trend of tiredness and tension? Oh, come on, you know it’s Andrew.

Andrew: Everyone in the house is all beat down – except for me who is still all crazy. I woke up today with a f—ing fire inside my stomach. Like, either I am going to stab somebody or I’m going to make some amazing food.

Whew. Am I relieved he said “fire” instead of what else he could have woken up with in the morning. Cough, culinary boner, cough. Moving on. Quickly.

Hey, he looks familiar – Greeting the chefs in the Top Chef Kitchen is Padma – again rocking an off-the-shoulder ode to Jennifer Beals in Flashdance – and Top Chef Season 2 finalist Sam Talbot, today’s guest judge. As they strike a pose side by side, the pair looks like the Sid and Nancy of cooking.

Antonia is in instant lust.

Antonia: Oh my God – tall, dark and handsome, and he can cook. Sign me up.

Oh honey, honey. Let the man at least cook you dinner first.

What kind of dressing do you want with that? – The Quickfire Challenge is to bring back a dish that Padma says has fallen on some hard times. I immediately envision a sad plate of food on the side of the road with a “Will work for food” sign. Though, now that I think about it, the sign should probably read “Will work to be dinner.”

So what is this poor, sad hobo dish? The humble salad. All the chefs seem to be in agreement that salads are a challenging and worthy dish. Gosh, am I the only one who remembered Carlos from Season 2 being kicked off for only making a salad?

The Quickfire Challenge is to bring the sexyback to salad. God, what part of culture has Justin Timberlake not invaded? We can’t even keep him out of our food anymore. If Padma had said they only had “Four Minutes” to save the salad, his total world domination would be complete. Luckily, the chefs get 45 minutes to save the salad.

Spike takes the challenge literally – too literally.

Spike: I’m planning to make something that says let’s have sex after we eat this salad.

OK, fine, but I think a condom salad would be kind of chewy.

Please note that as he says this, Bravo shows us a corresponding clip of Spike quite literally beating his meat. Yeah, that was subtle.

Eyes on your own pan – Lisa, in the meantime, is sizing up her competition and says she sees a lot of salads that are simple and basic.

Lisa: Obviously there are people here who don’t deserve to be here. They are not that great of chefs and their personalities suck ass.

People in glass kitchens, lady.

As she says this she levels a stare at Dale.

Antonia, however, is staring at Lisa and all the high-end products like lobster and squid she is using in her salad. She decides, belatedly, that Lisa might be some competition after all.

Which one is the salad fork again? – Stephanie, in the last-second frenzy, doesn’t get her artichoke chip on her plate. But, too late now, here come the judges. How does everyone fare according to Sam?

Andrew‘s Thai fruit salad – “The Sriracha [hot sauce] gives it good flavor.” Spike‘s sensual beef salad – “It’s nice to see the contrast in profiles.” Lisa‘s sexy banana seafood salad – “I don’t taste a lot of spice at all.” Stephanie‘s fall duet salad – “Thank you.” Antonia‘s poached egg and wild mushroom salad – “It’s got great flavor.” Richard‘s fruit and veggie ceviche salad – “Thank you.” Dale‘s poached chicken salad – “That is actually really moist.”

You just know the news isn’t good when all the judge says is “thank you.” And, indeed, it isn’t good news for Richard and Stephanie. Their salads are judged worst. Also in the bottom is Lisa for her overwhelming banana. Wait, that came out wrong. Her salad had too much banana flavor, not enough seafood flavor.

Whose salads were tossed properly in Sam’s opinion? We got your sexual metaphors right here: Spike’s came together, Antonia’s had a sexy yolk, and Dale’s nailed it.

But who was the sexiest of them all? Spike. Wow, that is wrong in so many ways. Spike doesn’t get immunity, but he does get that “significant advantage.”

You want fries with that? – Padma and Sam walk in carrying trays filled with greasy, fatty, salty food. They call it unhealthy, I call it dinner.

Actually, it’s lunch. Well, it’s an average lunch order for the officers and cadets at the Chicago Police Academy. Padma talks about the epidemic of obesity and diabetes in America. Sam, who is a diabetic, talks about how hard it is to find food that is low in sugar and carbohydrates. And then it’s challenge time.

The chefs must make healthy, gourmet boxed lunches using at least one ingredient from each of the following food groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. Their challenge is to “protect their health and serve them something tasty.”

You’ve got to change your evil ways – Spike then learns what his “significant advantage” is. He gets a 10-minute shopping head start and can pick one item from each of the four food groups that only he can use.

Spike: I am going to start showing people the tricks I have up my sleeve because everything is a strategy at this point.

The rest of the chefs are none-too-pleased with Spike’s advantage.

Stephanie: I think Spike is the worst person to get the advantage because he can sort of f— us all over. Which I am sure he is very excited about.

And, of course, he is excited about it. He says he likes being able to “piss everybody off” even better than immunity.

Spike: My personal strategy is just to choose some ingredients that will just make it very difficult for the competition.

He picks chicken breast, tomatoes, bread and lettuce. With each choice, he boasts about taking away that ingredient from the other chefs. Shouldn’t he worry about what he is putting into his own dish? Because those ingredients are boring as all get out.

The waiting is the hardest part – The other chefs stand at the entrance way in misery, waiting for Spike’s reign of asshattery to end.

Antonia calls him on his scheming ways.

Antonia: If he doesn’t use those tomatoes tomorrow, he is going straight to hell … The fact that he is actually thinking how he can screw the rest of us up leads me to believe that he hasn’t really put that much thought into his own dish.

Yep.

Not that Spike is honest about it when faced with the other chefs.

Spike: It’s nothing personal, it’s just a dish I wanted to make.

But behind their backs is another story.

Spike: Have fun making a lunch box with no bread, no salad, no tomato and no chicken.

Asshat status: cemented.

After seeing what Spike picked, Andrew calls them the most “dumbed down” ingredients and says that most of the chefs are “stupid” and “not creative enough” to make something without them. Except him, of course. God, is asshat contagious?

Finally, the rest of the chefs get their chance to race through the aisles. Spike’s choices have knocked some people off their game plans.

Andrew is supremely confident with the challenge because he studied nutrition for two years. Confidence leads to cockiness in the checkout lane as he pushes his purchases into Stephanie’s face.

Andrew: Smell it. Smell it. Smell the success. Success! Success!

Guess that answers the contagious question.

Lunch break – Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, the chefs get their healthy on. Antonia is making a curry beef dish. Andrew is making sushi rolls with a parsnip and pine nut mixture as his “rice.”

Chicago gal Stephanie, who knows a thing or two about Midwestern appetites, is confused by his sushi choice. Healthy, sure. But filling – not so much. And, remember, they are serving cops. Those doughnut jokes have to come from somewhere.

The rest of the chefs reveal their healthy offerings. Dale is making cabbage cups with a Thai-flavored lemongrass bison mix. Antonia, who is on a roll calling folks out, says that Dale only cooks Thai food and that he will “totally go down for it” someday.

Lisa has decided to go with a vegetable and shrimp stir fry. She gets her brown rice into the pan right away, because it takes a long time to cook. As she cuts her shrimp, Andrew points out to her that shrimp have a lot of cholesterol.

The challenge is to make a “low carb, low sugar and low fat” lunch. She thinks a couple shrimp won’t hurt. But then she obsesses about the rules again. Clearly, she has not let go of the non-drunken/non-Polish sausage debacle yet.

Lisa: It really sucks when … you have a dish that the judges can’t say a single negative thing about, but because you didn’t specifically follow the rules to a T you are on the chopping block. So I want to be sure I’m clear on what needs to be done.

Make it tasty. Make it healthy. Make it with all four ingredients. Sounds simple enough, right?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself – Head judge Tom Colicchio enters in his blue chef jacket of judgment. He makes his rounds, checking up first on Stephanie’s mushroom leek soup with meatballs and then taking up Lisa’s dare to try her homemade hot sauce. From the look on his face afterward, he wishes he had been more of a coward.

As his mouth cools down, Tom visits Spike and asks if all his exclusive ingredients are going to good use in his chicken salad. Spike says he has considered just putting the tomatoes on display, but will in fact slice them onto the sandwich. Sliced tomatoes on a sandwich, wow, score one for originality.

Richard asks Tom if he likes burritos. Tom says it depends on if they are good. You gotta love Tom. Richard thinks cops will like burritos, especially his play on them with lentils, rice and grilled tuna. Yeah, that’s every cop’s dream burrito.

Richard: I am very nervous. I don’t want to go home over a boxed lunch, chef.

As Tom leaves, he calls the seven remaining chefs the “cream of the crop” and praises them for “thinking their way around problems.” He says he thinks they’ll see some really great dishes. Who knew he was such an optimist?

High tension – As Lisa finished her dish, she says everything is going well. But then she checks her rice. She says her burner has been turned up to high. So the rice is now burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. And, given its long cook time, she won’t be able to make another batch.

Lisa: I can’t believe that someone has sabotaged me on, like, the most important time-sensitive part of my dish … Now I am so screwed.

But the other contestants aren’t so sure it was sabotage. Stephanie says she thinks “people make a mistake or let a mistake happen” and then blame it on other people. Dale says “that kind of s— happens all the time” by accident, and talk of sabotage is just a form of “covering their own ass.”

Lisa tries to salvage her dish by putting some of the cooking liquid in the container in hopes that it will steam when microwaved.

As the chefs scramble to finish, utensils and bodies fly everywhere. But everything makes it into the blue coolers in time, and it’s off to face the police.

Run, it’s the cops! – At the police academy, it’s time to let their dishes get frisked. The chefs set up in the cafeteria and write out microwaving directions for their dishes. Lisa is “s—ing a brick” about her rice. Maybe I’m just squeamish, but I think talk of defecation and talk of food should be kept separate, even if figurative.

As the cops and cadets come in, it’s time to sell, sell, sell.

Richard has his sales pitch down.

Richard: Do you like burritos?

We’re going to have to discuss Richard’s headband thingamajig. Seriously, what is that? Does he realize he is being taped? Does he know millions of people will see his flattened faux hawk? Does he own a mirror?

OK, but back to his endlessly chipper burrito query. Spike calls it cheesy and says he can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the fact that Spike seems to have an endless array of ridiculous kerchiefs on his head. What is it with the guys and their headgear this season?

As the service continues, Spike has his own method for luring in the cops. He puts two containers on the table and tells prospective tasters they are going fast. Once they leave, he pulls out another two from his stash behind the table.

Lisa calls it sneaky, but then doesn’t see the point since they aren’t getting judged on whose dish is most popular or what the police thought about their meals. I agree. So much subterfuge, so little point.

Brown bagging it – The judges (Tom, Padma, Sam and former Queer Eye foodie Ted Allen) come in to get their free lunches. See, there is such a thing as a free lunch.

They seem to like Stephanie’s soup and call it hearty and well-seasoned. The cops declare it “better than McDonald’s.”

Spike and his “significant advantage” are less impressive. Padma calls it a “very pedestrian chicken salad.” Tom incredulously holds up three of Spike’s four exclusive ingredients – the lettuce, bread and tomato. Gee, who would have thought focusing on how to screw up other people’s dishes versus focusing on your own dish would have backfired?

Dale’s lemongrass bison wraps get high marks, as does Antonia’s curry beef.

Nutritious, just not so delicious – When Ted goes to get Andrew’s dish, he gets a lecture about how seriously Andrew takes nutrition. Also, did you know wasabi helped with tooth decay? I did not. Maybe it’s because if you rub it on your gums you won’t want to eat anything for a month, thus eliminating the possibility of food getting stuck between your teeth. Hey, it’s just a theory.

But remember, the dish has to be healthy and tasty.

Padma: Oooh, it’s very strange.

That’s not the reaction you want. And it only gets worse when they realize he didn’t use a whole grain.

When Sam comes to collect his lunch, Richard gets off his last “Do you like burritos?” Luckily for him Sam does, as do the rest of the judges and the assembled police officers.

As Tom comes to get her dish, Lisa is nervous about her rice but trying to not let it show. Unfortunately for her, acting cool doesn’t change the fact that the rice is undercooked. And, yes, the judges noticed.

As the chefs pack up and leave, they confess to not knowing what will happen. No one is sure if their dishes hit or bombed – well, except for Andrew who feels good enough to dance.

Dancing fool – As the chefs wait in the Stew Room, they discuss what went right and wrong. Lisa complains about her rice. Spike says she didn’t need a grain, but she corrects him and says you needed to have all four. This is big news to Andrew, and he confesses to the group he didn’t have one.

Then Padma calls in Dale and Stephanie. They are the judges’ top two. Dale’s use of bison is praised because it’s like beef but with 50 percent less fat. Stephanie’s soup is praised for being well-seasoned. Sam gets to pick the winner. He goes with the dish that was “a little more substantial, a little more unique.” And who was that? Dale.

Huh. I really thought they’d pick Stephanie. They’d raved about her soup’s heartiness and seasoning. Plus, other than using bison, how unique are salad wraps? Oh well. Dale gets a bottle of 2002 Rutherford Hill merlot. Oh, and two tickets to visit the winery in Napa Valley.

Dale: I don’t want to brag, but I think five of 20 wins, in this arena, is a pretty good percentage of wins. So I feel pretty confident.

Don’t you love it when people who want to brag say they don’t want to brag?

The other terrible three – Victor Dale returns and calls in Andrew, Spike and Lisa. They are the judges’ least favorite, and one of them will be homesick no more.

Andrew’s dish gets dissected first. When asked if he thought it was hearty enough, he said yes. He also made sure to get in his years of nutritional training.

Andrew: Being one who studied nutrition for several years, I think it brought something to the table that most people did not expect. Everything inside that dish was basically meant to make you feel stringer or a little more energized … If you again, study nutrition, every three hours this sized meal is something that is considered beneficial to your health.

The judges ain’t buying it. Tom says if the cops are hungry again in three hours, they won’t go for another maki roll. They’ll grab a candy bar instead.

Ted says Spike wasn’t thinking about how to bridge the gap gently (for the officers) from hamburgers to something healthy.

Then Andrew gets all more-nutritious-than-thou on them.

Andrew: You want healthy, I’m going to give you the most healthiest dish you can possibly find. I want to show you guys what it is to eat healthy. Tom: How about serving something that is good? … It didn’t taste good at all, no. Andrew: Really? That’s funny, I had two people go back for it. Tom: They went back for it because it wasn’t enough and they had to eat more.

Hey, chefs, write this down: Arguing with the judges about what tastes good is never a good strategy. Never.

Hold the chicken, bring me the toast – Padma asks Spike why he picked chicken salad. He says it’s something he likes, won’t scare the cops and comes in good portions. Sam questions his use of the tomato, lettuce and bread.

Spike: What was so wrong about the way I used my ingredients? Tom: Were you using it to your advantage or were you using it to the detriment of your fellow competitors? Spike: I’m using it to my advantage. I mean, I’m not trying to sabotage anybody. There was none of that going on.

Cough, liar, cough.

Tom says the combination of olives and grapes with the chicken was the biggest problem he had with the dish.

Spike: Salty and sweet, what don’t you understand about salty and sweet?

Dude, did you not write down my warning like I told you to? They’re the judges, that’s what they do – judge.

But Spike knows better. He says the common person thought his dish was amazing.

Spike: It’s a lunch box for God’s sake. Tom: There were seven chefs, four dishes were better. Spike: In your opinion. Tom: Unfortunately for you, my opinion is what matters.

See, I told you so.

Third time is uncharming – So, can Lisa buck the judge-questioning, I-know-better trend? Based on body language alone, I’m pessimistic.

The judges asks why she thinks she is there and she tells them to tell her. And they do. It wasn’t a stir-fry, and lots of things weren’t cooked properly. Undercooked long beans. Undercooked shrimp. Undercooked rice.

Lisa: Somebody f—ed with my rice.

Language, language. It’s Judges’ Table, not college locker room.

The judges want to know how she knows it was sabotage and not an accident. She says she watched it carefully, used a timer, etc., etc. But Tom says that even without the rice issues, the uncooked shrimp was the bigger problem.

Look out for that bus – Padma asks if they have anything else to add before the judges’ deliberate. Now, maybe my memory is faulty, but I don’t remember her asking that ever before, do you? Is anyone else a little suspicious? I mean, why ask that now?

Lisa: This is coming down to a competition where it is every person for themselves and everyone else can fall to the floor and I’m going to kick you while you’re down. There were specific rules to this challenge … Not all three people standing up here right now did that. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, but if you don’t follow the rules, that’s what you guys have sent people home for.

Ahhh, that’s why.

Clearly the judges just wanted to see if someone would call out Andrew, because after Lisa mentions it, they say, “We were aware of it.” Way to milk the drama, Bravo. Very clever.

Against the grain – Padma asks Andrew why he didn’t use a whole grain.

Andrew: I wanted to show you something different and I want to use rice, in parentheses, as something that would bind.

Gosh, that’s an awfully convoluted way to say “I forgot.”

But then Bravo’s nefarious plan really falls into place as Andrew and Lisa go at it.

Andrew: Hey, it’s all good, you called me out. Moving on, please, thank you. Lisa: You would have done the same thing to me. Andrew: No I wouldn’t have, that’s the difference. Lisa: If I say any more I’m scared I’m going to get punched.

Who is stewing now – Sent back to the Stew Room, Andrew gives Lisa the evil eye. Really, really evil.

Antonia says it is freaking her out. Me too, cut it out.

Andrew stops, but says it is ironic that the contestant he tried to help by mentioning the cholesterol in the shrimp is the same one who threw him under the bus. He says it shows him who she is. She says it has nothing to do with who she is, but “when you’re in a competition you’re in a competition.”

Andrew: There’s no honor in that.

From the look on Lisa’s face, she thinks honor is way overrated.

Getting judgey with it – The judges deliberate. Tom says they won’t accept Lisa’s claim of sabotage as an excuse. Ted says even without the rice, the shrimp were nasty. Sam is underwhelmed by what Spike did with his exclusive ingredients. Tom agrees, calling it a failure of imagination. And then there is Andrew. No whole grain. An arrogant response to the judges. Good times all around.

The arguing continues in the Stew Room. Blah blah, take responsibility. Blah blah, under the bus. Blah blah, expletives deleted.

But the yelling is cut short because the judges reach a unanimous decision. As Tom spanks them all one last time, he then says, “Unfortunately someone is going home for a boxed lunch.” So, who has to pack his/her knives and go? Andrew.

He takes it astonishingly well.

Andrew: No security necessary. I will bow out of this competition with honor and respect. Thank you very much for this opportunity. If I may shake your hands.

Rules weren’t mean to be broken – In the after-boot interview, he says he has no hard feelings for the other chefs, but he is never going to talk to any of them again. Well, except for Spike. He says he is “mad cool.” I rewind it to double check. Did he mean a mad hatter? Guess not.

He then says he sees Lisa for what she is: weak.

Lisa: It sucks, but if I followed the rules and he hasn’t, I should not be the one going home.

It’s true, chefs need to follow the rules. But, ironically, if the judges always adhered to that, Zoi might still be here and Lisa might be gone instead.

As he says his goodbyes to the group, Spike says he has no more buddies in the competition, but that Andrew and he will be “boys forever.” Does that mean they’re going to Never-Neverland to join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys? Pretty please.

Next week on Top Chef: Welcome to The Hole. Also, Padma lied. Restaurant Wars is back, baby!